What exactly is "EQ"?

EQ stands for Emotional Quotient. It borrows from the term "Intelligence Quotient," and is used interchangeably with "Emotional Intelligence.”

What is the formal definition of Emotional Intelligence?

In the introduction I offered a simple definition of Emotional Intelligence: Knowing what feels good, what feels bad, and how to get from bad to good. A more formal academic definition is:

The emotional awareness and emotional management skills which provide the ability to balance emotion and reason so as to maximize our long term happiness.

How is EQ measured?

So far, there has been no "official" quantitative test devised to place a number on our EQ. No doubt, however, it is just a matter of time before this situation changes. Until then we are resigned to qualitative categorizations such as:

• He is so insensitive. What a jerk!
• She is too sensitive. She takes everything so personally.
• He is so out of touch with his emotions.
• She is in denial.
• He is always up in his head.

Or we can use sarcastic remarks, such as when writer Dorothy Parker said that actress Katherine Hepburn "runs the gamut of emotions...from A to B."

Who coined the term “Emotional Intelligence”?

The term is credited to Peter Salovey from Yale and John Mayer from the University of New Hampshire.

When did it become a popular discussion topic?

Though the term “emotional intelligence” has been around since 1990, it got popular in late 1995 when Daniel Goleman's book, Emotional Intelligence, became a New York Times best seller. As of this writing it has remained on the best seller list for over one year.

Why is it receiving so much attention?

The catchy term "EQ" helps, but primarily because more and more new studies are showing the clear relationship between the emotions, brain chemistry, happiness, good health, and general success in life.

Why are emotions so important?

Our emotions are the way our bodies talk to us and tell us what they need to be healthy and happy. Emotions were designed through millions of years of evolutionary refinement to help us survive and thrive. If we don't listen to the messages our emotions are sending, we ensure our own unhappiness, while risking ill health and early death.

Our emotions also communicate messages to others. For example, when the anger in our faces says "STAY AWAY," -- people usually do. On the other hand, when we smile, we communicate that it is safe to approach us.

What are some of the main findings from the EQ research?

• People with high EQ are happier, healthier, and more successful in their relationships.
• High EQ people exhibit all of the following:
  • A balance between emotion and reason
  • An awareness of their own feelings
  • Empathy and compassion for others
  • Signs of high self-esteem
• We are not all created emotionally equal--we have widely different natural temperaments.
• The way we act out, express, and utilize our emotions, however, can be changed significantly.
• Unlike IQ, EQ can be significantly raised.
• The healthy emotional development of children is vital to both their ability to learn when young, and to their success and happiness as adults.
• The emotional development of children has been largely neglected as a part of social policy. As a result, children have often suffered from the effect of both emotionally unskilled individual parenting, and rigid cultural and religious tradition.
• Children's emotional intelligence is on the decline worldwide.
• Our bodies carry around unexpressed and unresolved feelings to the detriment of our physical health.
• Emotions are contagious. Intense people are most likely to spread their emotions to others.

What are the practical consequences of high and low EQ?

Low EQ is likely to lead to general unhappiness as seen in the feelings of:

Loneliness Frustration Emptiness Depression Lethargy Obligation Anger Victimization

Fear Guilt Bitterness Instability Disappointment Resentment Dependence Failure

High EQ, on the other hand, is associated with feelings of general happiness as evidenced by:

Motivation Focus Peace of Mind Balance Freedom Contentment Connection

Friendship Fulfillment Awareness Self-Control Autonomy Appreciation Desire

How do I know if I have high or low EQ?

These questions help you judge your own level of EQ:

1. When you're feeling depressed and a friend asks how you are feeling, are you more likely to answer:

Fine. I don't know. Alright, I guess. You don't want to know.

or

I feel depressed.

2. When your partner does something which upsets you, are you more likely to say:

You shouldn't have... You really hurt my feelings.

or

I felt hurt by that.

3. When someone points out a mistake, are you more likely to:

Defend yourself. Find something wrong with the other person or their logic.

or

Thank the person.

4. When facing a scary situation are you more likely to:

Worry about it. Try to avoid thinking about it. Hope that it will go away.

or

Estimate the probability of your fears coming true and begin focusing on your options.

5. When someone reacts strongly to something you say, are you more likely to:

Think they are too sensitive. Tell them you were just kidding.

or

Apologize and ask them what, bothered them about what you said.

Generally speaking, the more you tend towards the answers in the second column, the higher your EQ. Here’s why:

1. High EQ suggests that you can identify and express your feelings.
2. High EQ suggests that you take responsibility for your feelings by saying "I feel..." instead of "You shouldn't have..."
3. If you have high EQ, you are not easily threatened by criticism, so you don't feel the need to defend yourself or attack the other person. Instead, you are always willing to listen and learn from other people.
4. High EQ suggests you address your fears using reason, rather than avoiding them or letting them paralyze you.
5. High EQ people empathize with others’ feelings, acknowledge them, and seek to help soothe them.